Talking to Your Child about Autism
Have you ever needed to sit down and talk to your child about autism? Is this a conversation you are planning to have but are unsure how to begin?
Talking to Your Child About Autism - 5 tips for parents by Nicole Connolly, Ph.D., of the Connolly Psychology Group in Santa Clarita, CA.
Many parents struggle with how to talk to their children about autism and other similar conditions. And these conversations may feel ten times harder when it's your own child who has the diagnosis and needs to be told.
While it may be tempting to avoid telling children about their own diagnosis of autism because of fears that it may make them "feel bad" about themselves, avoiding it ultimately does them a disservice. When we avoid these conversations, we are sending the message that autism is bad or scary or that they can’t handle it.
Instead, sharing a diagnosis can be a wonderful opportunity to help children understand themselves better and to set them up for viewing autism in a positive way. It gives us an opportunity to help them see that neurodiversity is common and doesn’t mean that there is something wrong with them. It is helpful for kids to understand that autistic folks have their own individual strengths and weaknesses and that some may need additional support with living in a world designed for neurotypical folks.
Helping your autistic child recognize their autism and see it in a more balanced way is an important part of helping push back against the stigma that continues to exist in our society. It also helps your child see you as their supporter, which is important for helping them through challenges in the future.
Explaining autism is also really important for typically developing children, especially as they become aware that some children are different in certain ways. Whether they are siblings, family, or friends of an autistic child, it is important to help neurotypical kids understand the condition to encourage empathy and patience.
In recent years, more and more research and discussion has been coming up about what is being called the “double empathy” problem. According to this theory, we have historically expected autistic kids to participate in therapy or social skills groups to try to learn how to better communicate with neurotypical folks. At the same time, we have neglected encouraging neurotypical folks to better understand the way that their autistic peers communicate and help bridge the gap from their direction. Parents can help balance this through the way that they talk to their kids about autism, regardless of whether their child is typically developing or not.
As you begin thinking about this and talking with your child about autism or any other disability, the following guidelines can be helpful for improving those discussions:
1. Start with what your child already knows.
Kids pick up an incredible amount of information from the world around them. Before launching into an extended discussion about your child's own diagnosis or the diagnosis of a friend or relative, ask a few questions to see what your child already knows about autism. You may be surprised at the information your child already has. They may also have some inaccurate beliefs about autism that need to be corrected. The only way to determine this is to ask first.
2. Keep the discussion simple and age appropriate.
Children of different ages can handle different amounts of information about complex issues such as autism. Let your child be your guide. For younger children, as they begin to notice differences between themselves and others, those observations can be a good starting point for a conversation about disabilities and why some children are different. Young children may need very simple explanations while older children can handle more complex and nuanced explanations.
3. Focus on strengths and weaknesses rather than lists of symptoms.
A quick Google search can very quickly return a list of symptoms that make up the diagnosis of "autism spectrum disorder." However, a list of social and communication deficits is only part of the picture of an individual with autism spectrum disorder.
Every child, regardless of diagnostic label, has a unique set of personal strengths. Identify those strengths and emphasize how normal it is for people to differ in how they think about things and how they communicate. By focusing on strengths and normalizing differences, you can help your child reduce the stigma of the diagnosis and promote more healthy self-esteem.
Similarly, it can be helpful for typically developing children to also take a balanced view of their peers on the autism spectrum and recognize that all kids have strengths and weaknesses.
4. Use materials written from the perspective of an individual with autism to help improve understanding.
Many kids respond positively to reading books or watching videos talking about the diagnosis from the perspective of an autistic person. There are many different books and other products on the market for children of different ages. Reading some of these books or watching this kind of video can really help kids feel like they are not alone and can help improve their understanding of autism overall. Even if your child doesn't seem interested at first, just having a couple of these books around can provide opportunities for future exploration and conversation about the topic.
Here are some books for kids that may be helpful for your child:
The Awesome Autistic Go-To Guide: A Practical Handbook for Autistic Teens and Tweens by Yenn Purkis and Tanya Masterman
The Asperkid’s (Secret) Book of Social Rules - by Jennifer Cook
Some Brains: A Book Celebrating Neurodiversity - by Nelly Thomas and Stephen Biesty
And for more ideas, check out the amazing list of books curated by Meghan Ashburn at notanautismmom.com.
5. Remember that this is a process.
Kids (and adults!) have a limit for what they can intellectually and emotionally process at any one time. Most children need to hear these things repeated several times and in different ways throughout their development. These conversations are not a one-time deal - they are an ongoing dialogue between you and your child.
For all the parents who have read this, I want to challenge you to embrace this opportunity to help your child better understand himself/herself and others. Even though these conversations can be hard, they are worth it in the end!
If you are in the Santa Clarita area and could use support on better understanding autism for yourself or your child, please contact us to see how we may be able to help. We specialize in helping autistic individuals understand themselves and manage their anxiety more effectively.